One Potato, Two Potato...
by Daniel Ocean
Summary: I'm back for even more reviews.


One Potato, Two Potato…  
  
WARNINGS: I do not own the Dave Barry article that the title owes itself to, or the Gundam boys, or the company Sunrise. Also, doing as Zechs and Duo do in this story is dangerous, stupid, and most likely illegal…maybe you'll go to jail. The contents below are NOT FUNNY. Do NOT attempt this at home or the Sanc Kingdom. Try as you might, but if you get busted and try to sue me—thanks to this warning I will not go down with you easy.  
  
"Do you got it, Duo?"  
  
"Yes. You know, of all of the people, I would have doubted it be you to do this here."  
  
"Well, with the key to Sister's mansion, I would have an ideal launch pad for this."  
  
"Very true. Is this illegal?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Did you check?"  
  
"No."  
  
"_My_ man Zechs!"  
  
Duo Maxwell and Zechs Marquise stood outside the lavish mansion of the Sanc Kingdom's Princess Relena. No one suspected a thing—Duo was a Gundam, after all, and Zechs was Relena's elder brother. Besides—she was yachting this perfect Sunday. Everything was going according to plan.  
  
They stood beside a van belonging to the scrap yard Duo worked at. He opened up the back and pulled out a black duffel bag that obviously had something long and thin in it. "Here it is." Duo pulled the thing out for the moment, exposing the green plastic pipe. Then, lest anyone see it, he stuffed it back in. He pulled out the detonation pad instead. Upon it was a single red button, labeled "FIRE". Out of the bag Duo also removed two radios. "We can use these to stay in communication as we infiltrate up to the roof. We should think of easy-to-remember code names."  
  
"We should just use the stairs. No one is going to stop us."  
  
"Or we could do that, yes."  
  
The bazooka-shaped device was pulled out on the roof, showing its full glory. It was a full three feet in length, a solid olive in color, and could hurtle the normally docile potato half a mile. It was tilted at a forty-five degree angle toward the southern sky, toward the sea. "It is this not the mark of great craftsmanship?" Duo was grinning more than usual. And talking to no audience. Then Zechs reappeared, dragging behind him a twenty-pound sack of potatoes.  
  
"I was right—there were plenty in the kitchen."  
  
"Good. I have some hairspray." As Zechs shoved a potato down the barrel, Duo sprayed some of the super-hold liquid into a compartment for the combustible. Then, they backed up a safe distance, and Duo pushed the button.  
  
BOOM! The gun went off and the potato flew way out over the bay, heading for space. But this potato had lesser expectations for itself, so it let gravity take over, letting it crash-land in the general direction of continental Europe.  
  
After a moment Zechs said, "Like a person, the potato rises up to glory and goes down into a humble ending."  
  
"The potato gun—a little lesson on life," responded Duo.  
  
Heero Yuy and Relena Peacecraft stood on the deck of the princess's boat, watching the birds fly overhead and letting themselves soak in the sun. Relena had always wanted the two to spend more time together, and now that the war was over, they finally could. She was able to get him to stay with her.  
  
"Oh, Heero," she said. "This day was wonderful. How come you couldn't be like this to me before?"  
  
"Dunno." He hated to admit it, but he was enjoying the day just as much as she was. "Listen, Relena, there is something that I would like to tell you."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I…I l—"  
  
A boom sounded from the land.  
  
"What the heck was that?" Relena's attention was diverted to what was flying through the air at an enormous speed. She knew it had to be from land, but the Sanc Kingdom did not have any weapons whatsoever. She squinted at the speck, and then suddenly gasped. "Oh my God, it is heading this way." She turned her head around, but it was too late. Something soft hit her just below her left eye.  
  
"God, Relena." Heero went to her side. "Are you all right? And why does it smell like mashed potatoes all of a sudden?"  
  
"Well Zechs," said Duo, "I think I really have to admire how you go this place. The bay _was_ an excellent landing spot for the taters. It made for long flights and no one was hurt."  
  
"Yes, your potato shooter is quite impressive. See you around; I think I'll stay u here a little while longer."  
  
"Fine." Duo took his gun and showed himself the way out. He made it down the stairs and to the front door. However, the second that he touched the doorknob on the door out, the door opened by itself.  
  
In walked Relena, a bag of ice over her black left eye and burned face. "The moment he was going to say it," she said. "The very moment Heero was going to tell me that he loved me and you had to do this to my beautiful face."  
  
"You cannot do anything about this." Relena pointed behind Duo as soon as he said this. Behind him was a very large guard. "I see. Well, I can definitely say this."  
  
"What?"  
  
"This is all honestly Zechs's fault."  
  
The guard grabbed Duo's shooter and then tossed him bodily out of the door. Relena gave him one last glare before closing the door, but she couldn't get it all closed before she heard Duo say:  
  
"Do I at least get my shooter back?"  
  
  
  
My God, I had no idea how fast I would get reviews. My original story, "Unwinnable" (more serious that this…then again. Almost everything is in the world…too bad…) has languished and gotten just one review. So have ,my sister, Azimel, stories. But this one has seven in just three days. Potatoes hitting Relena is a subject that a lot of people can respond to, I guess.  
  
I will not torture Relena any more—she suffers enough in the real Gundam Wing—but if I get enough reviews (about 20 I guess) I'll write a sequel without Zechs, involving Duo and more stiff-collars. Otherwise I have other stuff to write. 


End file.
